I don’t know why that is so hard for myself to admit and i don’t really know what the point of this post will be except to allow me to talk my way through this. I’ve never had any active dislike or fear of going (or admitting that i’m going) to therapy but when the reality hit i must say i found myself freaking out a little bit.
‘Why am i doing this?’
‘How do i think this will help anyway?’
‘What do i expect to get out of this?’
‘What if i open doors and pathways that i won’t be able to close that could alter my life forever?’
It doesn’t make much sense that i was freaking out because i was the one who sought this out. I was the one who jumped at my friend’s suggestion that i go see her therapist. I was the one who was extremely excited up until the day before the appointment. And then the day arrived and i was a wreck. But i fought through my fears and attended my first therapy session.
There has been one appointment so far and it was a very pleasant experience. I went in male drab mode, mostly because i did not know what to expect but any subsequent sessions i am definitely going as Teela. My therapist was also very pleasant. She explained her qualifications to which i nodded understandingly but i didn’t really know what all of the letters meant after her name. After that we talked about me, and gender, and how i feel about my gender, and how if i had had half a brain in my head when i was 20 i would have transitioned and never looked back (well that’s what i was thinking at least). But that is not where i’m at right now. And it’s ok.
I guess this is just another stepping stone in the path. I don’t know exactly where it will lead or if it will even be helpful but at this point i need to try. I need to do something about my brain screaming at me that i should be doing everything that is humanly possible to spend the vast majority of my time as the girl i want to be. So in order to help me with these disparate thoughts i went to a therapist. And i’m going again. We’ll see where this goes…..
(Also you have to forgive my capitalization, i don’t capitalize my ‘i’s’ mid sentence. That’s the way Teela roles.)
